"Where You From, Sissyboy?!!"

Pleated khakis.

Tapered leg jeans.

Extra faded, or (God forbid!) stonewashed jeans.

A tucked-in T-shirt.

Socks with any kind of sandal.

There's nothing worse than announcing to the world that you are a tourist. While Dallas is not exactly a destination city on par with Las Vegas or Orlando (or even San Antonio), if you look closely you can still find a plethora of sartorial faux pas on the streets.
Sad, indeed, but oh so true...

While enjoying my Sunday afternoon at NorthPark Mall today, I sat down to catch my breath after a furious 4-hour Christmas-shopping frenzy. It was then that I began noticing people that looked like they just did not belong. This may sound judgmental and condescending, but it's the truth. The one thought I kept fighting off was, "Dude, what are you wearing?!!"

I realize that most of these uncultivated boobs were probably in town for the day from Oklahoma or Arkansas, but the whole "ignorant, inbred redneck" excuse just won't fly anymore. Those poor souls from Little Rock and Tulsa and Norman have television and internet just like the rest of us in the civilized world, so why should they be given any more slack when it comes to horrible fashion sense??

No matter where you are from, there are certain rules you should always follow to keep from being lumped in with illiterate white trash from Shreveport. Following are a few simple examples of what you should wear when traveling:

Even while being photographed in Times Square (the epitome of tacky tourist-iness), it is possible to maintain some semblance of sartorial sensibility. In this example, I may seem to be clothed in the classic "tourist standard" khaki shorts favored by millions of frumpy, middle-aged men from Topeka to Omaha to Okinawa. But a closer look reveals that they are FLAT-FRONT CARGO shorts! No pleats!! And nothing tucked in!! The Tshirt emblazoned with my hometown Double-A baseball team's logo is usually a no-no, but the green undershirt and NewBalance shoes with ankle socks lend an air of "unaffected trendiness" to the otherwise Middle-American Tshirt/shorts combo. (by the way, are those Man-Boobs you see beneath my shirts?? A different discussion for a different day.... )






When dressing for an evening out on the town, in a town other than your own, there is no such thing as "overdressing." When vacationing, remember that you are representing the city in which you live. This is an important responsibility. Dress accordingly, and dress to impress. While aware that New York City is the one place where--fashionwise--anything goes, I still felt the need to properly convey the "Dallas Aura" when choosing my outfit. And to project that Dallas Aura of high fashion, big ego, and imagined wealth, I (on the far left) chose a conservative black-and-white striped button-down with low rise indigo jeans (not visible). Or maybe the 79 beers on the table just made me think I looked good...

Snapping photos of yourself on the Golden Gate Bridge screams, "I'm from the sticks!" So your wardrobe MUST announce to passers-by that you are somewhat cosmopolitan, relatively educated, and at least minimally aware of the ease by which one can experience modern interstate travel (it is optional, however, to actually scream out to everyone else on the bridge that the pictures you are unfortunately taking are, in fact, "for your mom"). My ensemble pictured above is completely harmless and almost neutral, but note the ankle socks and untucked polo shirt. Remember, tourist: wear no tube socks and untuck your shirt!! Even the simplest of combinations can be ruined by the tiniest misstep. Don't blow it!!

As evidenced above, really hot babes rather enjoy this dandy ensemble: boot-cut jeans with a V-neck merino sweater, layered over an intentionally disheveled button-down oxford shirt. The V-necks says "classy," the half-untucked undershirt says "too cool to care." [...thanks ladies, here's the 10 bucks, I appreciate your time... are you sure I can't buy you a drink?? Hey, come back...]

Even when waiting out an airport layover (poring over the new GQ, of course), it is imperative to avoid that Tourist Appearance at all costs. I (on the left) look coolly casual, with khaki shorts, trademarked ankle socks, and bright green-yet-tasteful polo shirt. The man across from me--sadly--is practically yelling out to the whole terminal, "Be patient with me!! I'm a Jets fan from rural New Jersey, and this may be my first time on an airplane!!"

For some people, there is simply no hope...