Redemption

Due to the controversial subject matter of my John Mayer post, I feel it is necessary to redeem myself:
I don't like John Mayer anymore.

I like SPORTS.

And not just any ol' sissy sports, either.

I like BOXING.

But since I have not actually watched a boxing match since Holyfield vs. Bowe in 1993, I reckon I should just talk about the next closest subject: Boxing nicknames.

It's a funny thing, the idea of applying a nickname to somebody. What you're actually doing is telling someone, "The name given you at birth is inherently flawed, and I am taking it upon myself to remedy that flaw by assigning you a new name--a better name, if you will--and this new name will exaggerate a possibly shameful character trait you possess (Lazy), or poke fun at something you cannot control (such as red hair, or a club foot), or serve to remind you of the horrible facial disfigurement you've worn since that childhood car accident (Halfnose; or OneEar)."

But who am I to judge?? In fact, most sports-related sobriquets are not cruel at all. They are simple and funny. The problem is, boxing seems to be the only sport (besides pro wrestling, which does not count, since the nicknames are created in some corporate boardroom, and are as contrived as the characters to whom they are attached) that cares about nicknames anymore.

This must change! We need more ear-catching monikers. And not just in boxing...

Consider the NFL: this league has not seen a good nickname since Steelers tight end Big Eric Green quit in the mid-1990s. A nickname like that is timeless and elegant in its simplicity: this guy was, quite frankly, big. He was so big that his name on Madden '94 actually read "Big Eric Green." Classic. Before that, you have to go way back to Mean Joe Greene, who apparently had an anger problem; or Ed Too Tall Jones, who was, in fact, too tall.
Maybe the NFL wouldn't be so damn boring if they could brainstorm some new nicknames...

And the NBA is just as pathetic. I challenge you to name someone playing today who sports a cool nickname. Impossible. Not since Earvin Magic Johnson contracted AIDS, and Vernell Bimbo Coles retired has the league seen anything remotely cool. I know... what about Kenny Sky Walker, or John Hot Rod Williams, or Greg Cadillac Anderson, or Anthony Spud Webb, or Wayne Tree Rollins, or The Microwave Vinnie Johnson, or Walt Clyde Frazier, or Iceman George Gervin?? My point exactly: none of those guys have played in 15 years.

But we still have BOXING. My favorite sport, by the way...
In order to be successful, a boxer needs a good nickname. Sometimes they succeed in finding that special alias. And sometimes, much to our amusement, they fail.

Consider boxers who must have sat around for minutes trying to think of a nickname that would scare the pants off opponents, but who could come up with nothing more than a name we hear 20 years later that makes us chuckle to ourselves:

John The Beast Mugabi
Mitch Blood Green
Hurricane Peter McNeely
Ray Boom-Boom Mancini

Mitch Green once got his ass kicked by Mike Tyson in an alleyfight; "The Beast" is just plain humorous; and "Boom-Boom"?! Are you kidding--Boom-Boom?!! Say that 3 times and try not to laugh (though Mancini did once knockout some Korean guy, and the Korean guy died of brain trauma a few days later). "Boom boom" is still damn silly.

Some fighters decided that their nicknames should exaggerate some quality of their personality, and demonstrate other aspects of their persona, besides the ability to bash in the brains of other angry, sweaty men. These include:

Hector Macho Camacho
Marvelous Marvin Hagler
Terrible Terry Norris

Only in boxing could "Terrible" and "Marvelous" supposedly convey the exact same message.

Then there are the Naturals. The nicknames are so good that they became one with the boxer's real name. If you remove the nickname from these, the fighter seems incomplete, like something is missing:

Sugar Ray Leonard
Donovan Razor Ruddock
Ronald Winky Wright
Irish Mickey Ward

Still other aliases do not succeed in making an opponent fearful of an impending butt-whipping. Rather, these nicknames make people question how these men got into boxing in the first place, with names so ill-suited to the task at hand (namely-- kicking someone's ass):

Pernell Sweet Pea Whitaker
Pretty Boy Floyd Mayweather
Prince Naseem Hamed

Getting beat up by a man named "Sweet Pea" is infinitely more shameful than having a crush on John Mayer. But that's just my opinion...

Evidently, some years ago there was a problem with boxers not actually believing that their scheduled opponent was who he claimed to be. Maybe there was an Imposter Epidemic in boxing, or a screw-up at the licensing office that enabled look-alikes to fight in place of the actual participants. Whatever the cause, two pugilists took it upon themselves to remove any doubt as to their authenticity:

Carl The Truth Williams
Evander The Real Deal Holyfield

Now to one of everybody's favorites, the enigmatic James Bonecrusher Smith. Growing up in the early 1980s, James Smith faced a dilemma: he needed an intimidating nickname, one that would instantly let others know that he was dangerous, that he was wicked, that he would--if given the chance--crush your bones. Scary stuff, indeed. But it was probably not his first choice... You see, there was another James Smith making a name for himself at that time, and young Bonecrusher (before he was christened Bonecrusher), when he got wind of this other James Smith's alias, was probably horribly disappointed and finally settled on branding himself Bonecrusher.
Alas, the other guy had already claimed Ladies Love Cool James Smith as his own!!! So Bonecrusher took up pugilism as his pastime and left the rapping and romancing and going back to Cali-ing to LL Cool J. And the rest is history.
In retrospect, Bonecrusher made the right choice. If a man is cool and confident and smooth enough to gloss himself "Ladies Love," you should probably just go ahead and let him do it...

Boxing is a dangerous career choice. But a few other occupations are more sinister. Fighters who nickname themselves after murderous lines of work are among the most feared (and among the all-time greats):

Bernard The Executioner Hopkins
Thomas Hitman Hearns

These two names would have been at the top of the list, if not for the great James Toney. James Toney (before he tested positive for steroids and was unceremoniously stripped of his title belt) added two simple words to his name, and with these two words, he let you know what sordid fate awaits if you dare step into the ring with him.
Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest boxing nickname of all time:

James Lights Out Toney



(i bet he could kick the crap out of john mayer, too)