I (heart) John Mayer

I have a crush on John Mayer.

And I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Maybe I have too much idle time on my hands... Sitting around the house every night with your foot immersed in a bucket of ice water will do that to a man. When 23 hours of your day (the remaining hour is spent performing various 'bathroom tasks') are wasted on brainstorming creative ways to successfully execute a do-it-yourself-pinky toe-amputation using only an orange peeler, a corkscrew, and dental floss, your brain is inevitably going to drift off into areas that--for the previous 30 years and 5 months of your life--you never thought possible.
Most notable among these formerly taboo daydreams: same-sex crushes.

Am I delusional, or is it safe for a man--secure in his heterosexuality to the extent that I am--to admit that he is harboring a schoolyard crush on a male pop singer?? I don't think it's a big deal at all.

I don't want to physically be with John Mayer, I simply have a crush on him. It's perfectly normal, I believe. I am still attracted to girls, but lately I've noticed my mind drifting away to that special place, where it's just me and John (where, if I stay too long, I'll probably break down and cry...). But this is not a hit Guns-n-Roses song from 1987, this is real life... So what's the problem?! It's just a phase, right??

As Mike Piazza once said: "I date women."

And I do date women. And just because I bring a heaping serving of misogyny and a 100% failure rate to the dating table, that doesn't mean I'm going to suddenly stop liking women and start liking silky-voiced balladeers with dark eyes and careless hair.

Sure, I am counting down the days until his next CD hits the stores (early 2006?), but it's not like I want to date the guy (though I would not object to sharing a nice, quiet dinner with John, maybe in the corner booth at La Duni, he pouting his lips and lithely strumming his guitar, while I sip expensive wine and peruse the dessert menu, all the while both of us waist-deep in our intimate conversation, discussing everything from life to love to whether or not Jimi Hendrix should be mentioned in the same breath as Clapton or Page or even Stevie Ray).

[he should not]

I just want to meet John Mayer, maybe exchange some repartee, maybe have him teach me a few chords.... No big deal... What's so strange about wanting a free guitar lesson?

This was weighing on my conscience for weeks; I had to get it off my chest. So if you are having serious doubts about me, and questioning who I am and everything you thought I once stood for, fear not... My next post will be about SPORTS.