Me and Mr. Wu

This is what happens to you if you buy medicine from Walgreens.

I don't use meth.
But I do have allergies.

Maybe it was an ozone day... maybe it was the inch-thick layer of dust on the 17-year-old textbooks in my classroom... or maybe I should get rid of those ducks I've been keeping in my apartment all summer... Whatever it was, I had severe allergies last week.
So I went to my neighborhood Walgreens (at the corner of Mockingbird and Matilda) and went straight to the drug section. The friendly Asian pharmacist waved and said hi. I stopped him before he gathered up my usual supply of anti-depressants, sedatives, sleep aids, and painkillers and informed him that today I was only going to buy some allergy meds.

This was when I found out that I would be unable to buy any Wal-Phed, Wal-Dryl, or (my favorite:) Wal-Itin without getting pharmacy clearance first. Apparently, people use some medicines to make methamphetamines. I was shocked! "Mr. Wu, what gives??" I asked. He just looked down at the counter and sighed.

My feelings were kinda hurt, since I considered him a mid-level friend [there are 3 primary levels of friends: first are Desert Island Friends. These are your closest friends. These are the friends who, if you worked for FedEx and were on an airplane filled with Overnight Express packages, and this airplane subsequently crashed into the ocean, and you miraculously survived, but were marooned on a desert island indefinitely with only a volleyball for companionship, these friends would be genuinely sad about your unexplained disappearance. They might not hang out in Aruba and pester the cops to search harder for you and appear on the Larry King Show every other night, but they would probably write sad songs about you and perform them acoustically at Borders on Friday nights (if they were musically inclined). The second are Mid-Level Friends. These are friends who you truly like, but are not too close to. You can have lunch with them (lunch, never dinner) but usually only when a third-party-mutual-friend comes along with you, to fill the awkward gaps in conversation that may arise. Also, you are close enough to Mid-Level Friends that it is acceptable to borrow CDs from them. Third, there are Handshake Friends. These are people who you are always nice to, and you shake hands with them at social events or at Starbucks, but you don't really know much about them, nor do you particularly care to. Also, you would feel very little guilt in dating the ex- of a Handshake Friend immediately after they break up, and would probably not receive any dirty looks from anyone at church because of this (depending on what church you attend)].

When did we as a society allow drugstores to accuse us of being hardcore drug addicts??

Mind you, this Walgreens is situated among the M-Streets, Lakewood, and Highland Park. Who in those neighborhoods is making crystal meth?!?! I'm sure some rich white kids are buying meth and using meth, but rich people don't make meth. If this Walgreens were anywhere in Arkansas or rural New Jersey or even Pleasant Grove, I would understand this policy... but Mockingbird Lane??! In all of my jogging and biking throughout this neighborhood, I have never seen any run-down-shack-meth labs or even trailer homes or white trash people (Bailey's 1st and 10 Sports Bar excluded, of course).

I'm no druggie (I'm actually a Role Model), but I think that in order to make meth you also need things like battery acid or ammonia or Drano or cream of tartar or whatever. Is Walmart going to stop selling Drano and batteries because of this new meth panic?? I bet not. What's the deal here?

It just doesn't make sense. I told Mr. Wu my feelings, and he pretty much told me to get over it; he said meth is a dangerous "epidemic," and that I should just stick with two Vicodins and a glass of wine every night.

I agreed, bought my Comtrex, and went home.