My match.com

I officially return to work tomorrow. I have not worked in 72 days. I am not excited.
My whole way of life is about to change. For the past 10 weeks (truthfully-- since about March 30) I have settled into a nice daily routine:
Awakened every day by the automatic sprinklers (you'd think I live above a car wash!) at 4:30 am and unable to ever fall back asleep, I get up to pee, then take my medicines, then maybe read, then pray a bit ("God, if you don't start listening, I'm going to start burning sheep out there in the courtyard!"), then stagger 4 feet into the living room for some morning TV cheer.
This is my favorite part of the day. I love the local morning news shows!
You know why: MorningNewsBabes.
It's not so much that I'm physically drawn to the NewsBabes (though they are cute); I'm more drawn to the cheerful, warm, inviting feeling that NewsBabes give me. They make me feel as if there's nothing wrong with the world (when actually there's 35,000 things wrong with my world). How do they do it???
I sit hypnotized for hours, flipping channels to find the cutest smile or the flirtiest giggle.
Megan on Fox4.
Shannon on CBS 11.
Christina on UPN 21 (who is actually too skinny in real life, but who looks very decent on TV).

MEGAN

CHRISTINA SHANNON

There's too many of them! They're all too cute! Most days I catch myself holding a conversation with Shannon, Megan, or Christina. Sure, I may be really lonely right now, with absolutely no social life, and zero prospects among the opposite sex, but the NewsBabes make me feel like they actually care about how I receive my morning news (not to mention how I receive my human-interest stories).

It's like my very own, interactive Match.com!

[if by "interactive" you mean that my conversations with these girls are completely one-way; and if by "my very own" you mean that one million other people are also watching the same morning shows...]

I honestly don't know what I'm going to do now that I have to be at work every morning. This could send me into a tailspin! Maybe I'll bring a TV into the classroom; or maybe get TiVo at my house so I could watch the NewsBabes in the late afternoon.

Or--- I could start up a new relationship with a real NewsBabe... A NewsBabe so awesome that she's on the afternoon news... The one who is waiting for me every day on NBC 5 when I get home from work.... The one with the pretty blonde hair and cute smile.... The only NewsBabe that I ever really loved: