All Apologies

Dear Mom and Dad,
I'm sorry for all the shame and embarrassment I've caused you guys over the past 30 years... I'm also sorry about wasting that whole "college" thing you paid for... I'm sorry about totaling the truck a few years ago... Lastly, I'm sorry that you probably have to shake your heads and avert your eyes when people back home ask about me... But honestly, is that really the reason you two have been acting like THIS in public lately?!?:

















Dear Chewie,
I'm sorry I used to lock you in the laundry room for days at a time. I know it was dark and boring in there and all you wanted was a bellyrub... But do you have to throw it in my face that you get more "action" than me?!
I mean, everyone already knows that I haven't seen a boob in years; let's leave it at that, OK?:

Dear Patti Labelle,

I'm sorry I never truly "got into" your music... I'm sorry that, even if you offered me $100, I could not name even one of your songs... But could you please release my friend MJ from this trance-like grip you have him in! He is obsessed with you and, frankly, we don't know what to do with him anymore. He's been waiting with bated breath for years for your next album, and until it comes out I am fearful that he will continue to embarrass himself, playing the same old tunes, day after day...