Dallas Dating Tips

The Singles scene in Dallas should be, if at all possible, steadfastly avoided.

However, for many hapless souls dating is unavoidable.

When the few viable alternatives to dating are considered (among these are: entrance into the priesthood, relocating to Samoa with the Peace Corps, and suicide), one's options seem limited.

And thus marriage, with its relatively long-lasting side effects and 50/50 failure rate, becomes the path chosen by many twentysomethings to avoid the pitfalls of the Dating Life. Marriage might be be the logical next step for you (and if it is, congratulations!), but if not, and you must still apply your brave face every time you leave the house, then I am here to help!

If you are already married, you most likely (and hopefully) do not need my guidance, since your only worries now revolve around who is taking out the garbage in the morning, or how the Holiday-InLaws-Visitation-Schedule is going to be divvied up this year. Read on, and thank God you are no longer one of us.

Likewise, if you are a homosexual, you also may not benefit from my forthcoming recommendations. Being that homosexuals cannot legally marry each other in Texas, you are-in theory-doomed to spend your entire life dating. I'm sorry. Dating in perpetuity... ouch!

And finally, if you are an Aggie or a Mormon (or just graduated from the seminary), you were married at a very young age and probably have a few kids by now. My dating tips might not interest you, either.

But for the rest of you, here we go:


1. Acquire an expensive (read: European) car.
Your car is not just the means by which you transport yourself from one bar to another. Your car defines you. And if that means forking over $795 a month for that Range Rover, then so be it.
If you are a wealthy man with refined tastes (and a rich father), you wouldn't be caught dead driving something that the common man could obtain. You must place yourself above the hoi polloi. You must pay $70,000 for the Mercedes SUV.

Put simply, if your car of choice could possibly be purchased by a plebian in Mesquite or Grand Prairie, it is not the car for you! Stick with Sewell or ParkPlace, and you're guaranteed to never be mistaken for a public school teacher or (even worse!) a fuse salesman.


2. Become familiar with -and make a habit of- Conspicuous Consumption.
Conspicuous Consumption is the Dallas Way, it turns on all the hot ladies, and it can be displayed by various means.

Perhaps the easiest way to boast of your mindless wastefulness is to show ambivalence to issues that "normal" people concern themselves with, such as the cost of gasoline. When somebody asks you if filling your Hummer's 30 gallon fuel tank twice a week gets rather expensive, simply shrug your shoulders and nonchalantly respond (in the loudest voice possible):
"Ehhh... it's just a write-off anyways."
Be certain that everybody at the bar hears you, and repeat every hour.

Also, any ol' dope can go on vacation. So, to distinguish yourself from the huddled masses, be sure to go on extravagant trips, to destinations seen only on the E! Channel. Everyone at the party already knows that you ski in Colorado twice a month (perhaps the ski lift ticket still attached to your coat tipped them off?), so it is imperative that you announce to people the details of your upcoming jaunt to Ibiza or New Zealand.
"Yeah, we have a place in Vail. But it's getting too crowded up there... So next month I'll be in Bali for ten days."

Though while in Bali you will constantly bemoan the local food choices ("this place sucks, let's go to Joe's Crab Shack!"); and you will bitch about the lack of DirectTV in your hotel ("I can't watch NFL Fantasy Update this week?!"); and you will log on to your work email account 16 times a day ("just in case!"), it is comforting to know that while the working class stiffs travel to San Francisco, you sat poolside in Bali last month.

More Conspicuous Consumption tactics that work include: running up a $600 bar tab at Candle Room (but only if you have informed all the ladies that you have a big bar tab going... if not, then what's the point?); talking incessantly to your date about the $90 steak you ate for lunch; and repeatedly offering to buy your new flame that $2100 handbag she was eyeballing at Neiman-Marcus last weekend.


3. Looks mean everything.
It's what's outside that counts. Nothing else matters.

Who cares if that big-breasted, small-waisted slut is dumber than a handful of gravel? She's got what counts, my man! Your old frat buddies will love her.
Sure, your hair looks like you woke up five minutes ago... but that's how everybody else wears it, so it must be in style, right? Go ahead, babes love a stylish man.
So, you noticed that every other fella in the bar is wearing the same shirt as you? No problem! Yours is probably the most expensive. And, if you untuck that shirt, you'll look exactly like 250 other dudes that night, and you'll look great. You will score for sure!


Good luck, and happy dating!