Guess Who

If you have four or five hours to kill at work today (or is it just me?), there's a new and exciting game that you can play, to help pass the slow-moving pre-Christmas hours.

This new pastime is all the rage; it's a guessing game in which the participants [you] attempt to surmise the identity of a mystery speaker, using only ambiguous clues about the anonymous narrator's life.
Here we go:


I own arguably the worst hair in the western hemisphere. The irony is, I spend perhaps 2 or 3 hours per day attempting to style it. It's so unkempt and unwashed that small, furry rodents have been known to scurry out of my coiff on the rare occasions that I actually comb it. I enjoy playing "dress up," and I harbor delusions that the general public regards me as a sartorial trendsetter. Little do I realize, people (even my friends) are making fun of me behind my back, saying things like "he thinks he's cool 'cuz he appeared in GQ, but he really looks like a queer." I enjoy playing basketball, but I'm not very good at that, either.

Who am I??

HINT: I'm not Steve Nash.




My sleep habits are very inconsistent. Some nights I rest peacefully; some nights I can't catch a wink and end up crying all night. My entire life generally consists of eating, sleeping, and pooping at random intervals. Also, my bowel movements have been known to inconvenience loved ones. Honestly, all I want is a nice teet to comfort me, but too often I have to settle for a latex substitute. I would rather be naked.
Who am I??

HINT: I'm not Baby Rachel.




I also have awful hair. I live in self-imposed exile, and rarely (if ever) leave my dimly-lit apartment. I tell women I meet that I'm a writer, but nobody has ever actually read any of my work. That's because my writing is incredibly boring and rambling and simply not very funny. I am quite reviled by my peers, so much so that religious leaders of third-world fundamentalist Islamic countries want to kill me. I was popular for 20 minutes, about 15 years ago. Did I mention that I have bad hair?!
Who am I??

HINT: I'm not Salman Rushdie.



While you're racking your brain to figure out the answer, here are more gratuitous photos of the cutest baby ever, The Baby Rachel:

Ok, time's up. If you guessed "Paul Gongora," you win!!

Give yourself a pat on the back, and email me the name of a qualified and affordable hairstylist.

Now get back to work.