Ray-Ray's Sweet Tooth

New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin wants a chocolate city.


From CNN.com: Mayor Ray Nagin on Monday called for the rebuilding of a "chocolate New Orleans" that maintains the city's black majority, saying, "You can't have New Orleans no other way."


Uhhhhh, what?

You see, I have an extremely potent sweet tooth myself. I've experienced powerful chocolate cravings in the past (the kind when your mouth starts to water and your bones ache for the taste of something--anything!--chocolatey on your tongue). However, this affliction easily passes by taking a trip to the supermarket candy aisle and purchasing a peck of Rolos or Hershey bars or even a 100 Grand.

But this guy wants an entire city made out of chocolate?!? Tap the brakes there, Ray-Ray. You might want to plan this a little bit, before you go around promising your citizens that bottomless cocoa cache.

Nevertheless, Mayor Ray seems quite stubborn about this new vision for his city:


"You can't have New Orleans no other way."


Mayor Ray's embarrassing double-negatives notwithstanding, I'm really worried that he's setting himself up for colossal failure with this proposal. I mean, logistically speaking, just how does he intend to carry out this sugary scheme on such a grand scale??

Perhaps he plans to hire a Voodoo High Priest to cruise the city, casting spells on all he touches (a Cajun King Midas??), turning everything in sight into chocolate...

Maybe Mayor Ray recently saw the remake of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and he, being a huuuuuge Johnny Depp fan, is having delusions of grandeur.


"This city will be chocolate at the end of the day," the mayor said.


Wow. If this undertaking indeed takes place, then lots of work must be done. And quickly!!

- The new New Orleans... count me in!!


Since Mayor Ray has previously--and very publicly--made known his aversion to Mexican workers entering New Orleans to help rebuild, and since most of the "native" population of the city is too lazy to actually work (come on, let's be honest...), maybe the mayor will hire a vast army of Oompa Loompas to ride into town and begin converting the Big Easy into Chocolate City.


- "Reporting for duty, Mr. Mayor!!"



This Chocolate City will be every child's dream! Remember when you were a kid, and all you wanted was just a liiiiiittle more candy, but your tight-fisted mother would never relent... Now some serendipitous little Creole kid will be able to eat his front porch whenever his mom gets stingy with the sweets.

Heck, I'd move there! What a great place to live! Why hadn't anybody thought of this before?? Let's see... replace the old New Orleans (200-year-old decaying buildings, vomit and piss in the streets, horse poop on every corner, governmental corruption on every level) with the new New Orleans (edible infrastructure that may lower your cholesterol). Put my belongings on the first UHaul!

Mayor Ray is a visionary par excellence!!

.

Yeah... lemme git a chocolate sundae, wif extra chocolate syrup, wif a side of devil food cake... throw in a brownie, and some Yoohoo, and some---

Alas, some ignorant, busybody reporters have accused Mayor Ray of being a witless racist; of having "other motives" besides wanting to build a new chocolate town. These meddlers demanded that he explain himself:


"How do you make chocolate? You take dark chocolate, you mix it with white milk, and it becomes a delicious drink. That is the chocolate I am talking about," he said.


Mmm, mmmmmm!! Can I borrow that recipe, Ray-Ray? Lemme see... mix some dark chocolate with some white-- oh the heck with it!! If you say it's delicious then by golly, it's gotta be delicious!

When reporters pressed Mayor Ray for his equally-famous chocolate souffle recipe, he got a little bit sidetracked and went off on a tangent:


"This city will be a majority African-American city. It's the way God wants it to be."


Wait.... what?

What about the souffle? What are you talking about, Mayor Ray?

I'm confused....