Britney Does Dallas

Britney Spears and her babydaddy, Kevin Federline, were in Dallas this past weekend, and our fair burg may never be the same.

Papparazzi caught them exiting the posh Hotel ZaZa in Uptown, complete with bodyguards and entourage, sending about two or three people into a full-fledged tizzy (ok, maybe their 'entourage' consisted of just one fat guy wearing a really bad cardigan underneath a sportcoat, but you get the idea...).

According to sources close to the couple, Her Fatness and K-Fed jetsetted into town to promote the wigger's new hip-hop single (titled "Yo, I Suck, Dawg!" or something similar to that). Why the tawdry twosome chose Dallas -and not New York or L.A.- to gauge the public's response to K-Fed's lukewarm new hymns is not yet known.

Perhaps they thought that club-goers in our usually benign BibleBelt hamlet would not be too harsh in their critique of Hubby's musical talents, on the off chance--of course--that his tunes sucked).

Unfortunately (but not unexpectedly), they were wrong:

Here's Mrs. Federline, looking less-than-demure in an $11.99 off-the-shoulder number from TJMaxx. Note that her Seven jeans are looking more like a 14 these days...


thanks to gabsmash for the pic :)

Here's a firsthand account of this weekend's goings-on:


"...They hit a North Dallas club and word is it was embarrassing to watch. He had them spin a new single and it went over in a bad way.

A witness said, "The song came on and the dance floor cleared. The crowd started booing. Kevin took the mic to sing and the booing got worse... And yeah, Britney is definitely pregnant."



Ouch.

Well, I don't know about "definitely pregnant"... but I do know she is "definitely fat."

Surprisingly, this story got very little play from the local media. Even the Dallas Morning News social pages, usually the purveyors of all things haute in Dallas, missed this scoop. What gives??

Perhaps the editors figured that Britney, being a non-native outsider from the Louisiana backwoods, is unworthy of even a few drops of ink. Better to gossip about the locals, they may have reasoned...

More likely, the local scandalmongers invoked their little-known Weight Clause, wherein the only women who receive mention in the newspaper's gossip pages must be anorexic, bulimic, or-at the very least-visibly suffering from the effects of a $1200-a-day cocaine habit.
Britney obviously did not meet these requirements...

Or maybe the reporters skipped over this juicy tidbit because they did not realize that Brit was famous. What if their papparazzi eyes are trained to photograph only "Dallas women"? You know: the overly-platinum blonde in a size negative-2 miniskirt; the one wearing the 5.25 carat diamond ring on each hand, the one who's endured nine facelifts and thinks she still looks hot because she drives up and down McKinney Avenue in a convertible Mercedes paid for by her 57-year-old married boyfriend...

Awwww, who am I trying to kid?!?

Britney was (thankfully) ignored because she is a 5-years-past-her-prime overweight disgusting pig. The guys at the Morning News aren't idiots: they know that nobody wants to read about a slutty, washed-up, Louisiana feral hog who hasn't had a hit song in four years.
They are well aware that the general public gets waaaaay more than their daily dosage of scantily-clad fat chicks in the form of those hideous beasts in the Dove Soap ads plastered all over the sides of city buses and billboards. We don't need to see another one...

Ahhhhh... That's more like it!