Olympics Review (part 2)

I am not gay.

That fact has never been in doubt. I am as manly as they get.

Notice the overpowering odor of HETEROsexuality in this photo: That's me, at a SPORTS BAR, taking a shot of WHISKEY, while manly SPORTS are shown on every television in the background. Heck, I probably had big-time gambling ACTION on those games!

But recently, I've taken lots of heat (from loved ones and strangers alike) for my decision to become a mildly-obsessed fan of the Winter Olympics in general, and women's figure skating in particular.

I should not have to explain myself. A 30-year-old (and very straight) man should be allowed to curl up with his cat and watch whatever he wants; even if owning a cat is somewhat gay, and what that Very Straight Man wants to watch is nine hours a day of anorexic, pre-pubescent girls inexplicably sobbing on an ice sheet and stoned snowboarders wiping out while speeding down a mountain in blizzard conditions.

What's so bad about that? Besides, this Olympiad will occupy only sixteen days out of my life; let me have my fun! Let me practice my spins and jumps in the hallways at work. Let me experiment with many different shades of blush, in an attempt to find juuuust the right shade of rosy red. Let me wear a teal and purple sequined tutu with nude hose underneath. I've got the Olympic Spirit!




Come here, boy. Just four more hours of skating, Chewie. Yeaaaaaah little guy, bring your cute little spayed ass over here and let's watch Sasha Cohen... No boy, we'll watch Sex And The City tomorrow; tonight is the women's long program!



I wish I could say that my Olympic Fever is caused by the fact that the U.S. is second in the overall medal count (behind only Zee Juhhmans), but then I realize that the only medals we have won are in snowboarding and speedskating. Great. All of our gold medals were won by a bunch of potheads from the X-Games, in a sport we invented. Pardon me if I'm not doing backflips. Any "sport" in which the winner can be (and usually is) higher than a hundred-dollar kite should not be considered a genuine Olympic event.

Speaking of... Did anybody notice that some of the stonedboarders--I mean, snowboarders--actually competed in their events while listening to their iPods?! I even saw one girl scrolling through her playlist as she was about to drop into the halfpipe! Forget the outdated concepts of "concentrating" or "focusing" on that possible gold medal, these chicks are looking for just the right Green Day song to put them over the top.

Maybe we would not have this problem if they weren't giving out silver medals that double as compact discs. Perhaps--in between hits from the bong--the snowboarders got confused and thought they were competing for a $50 gift certificate to CD World on Greenville Avenue.

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Stoner #1: "Gnarly, dude, I won the new Deathcab For Cutie CD! What did you get, bro?"

Stoner #2: "Duuuude, I got shafted, bro. They gave me Jock Jams Volume 2."

Stoner #1: "Duuuude, you got hosed."

Maybe that's what happened to Lindsey Jacobellis. Maybe, as she coasted to an apparent gold medal, and was 700 yards ahead of her nearest competitor, and as she was on her last jump, and as she tried to show-off and foolishly attempt a Method Air, and as she nailed the cool-looking trick but botched the landing, and as she fell on her ass and allowed the second-place stoner to pass her, she might have done it all on purpose!! Maybe she wanted a silver medal because she thought it was the new Kelly Clarkson CD.

"Since you've been gooooone, I can breathe for the fiiiiiiirst tiiiime...."



And what of the Bizarre Gay Love Triangle between Shani Davis and the White Guy On The Team Who Is Mad At Shani (WGOTTWIMAS)?? I don't want to dwell on the "homosexual angle," but in this case there is no other explanation for this type of behavior. Shani and the WGOTTWIMAS have been at each other for two weeks now, and frankly, if these two are not gay, then I don't know who is...

If any two normal guys treated each other the way these two do, there is a 100% chance that the day would end in a fistfight. But with Shani and WGOTTWIMAS, it's just more backbiting and sniping and name-calling. And not a single fistfight. Hmmmmm....

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"I wish I knew how to quit you!!"



How can you people sleep through such a roller-coaster of human drama?! I love this stuff. But every time I bring up this subject to my friends, everybody just rolls their eyes and scoffs. What? Are the medal ceremonies on past your bedtime? Are they terribly insecure about their masculinity, and thus don't want to "risk it" by watching women's ice skating?? I don't get it...

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"Sir, here's your 5 bucks. Now can you say what I told you to say about the Winter Olympics?? Sir? Wake up, sir. Uhhh... how about 10 bucks? Will you say it for 10 bucks?!"



Sadly, my sweetheart Irina (the) Slutskaya, faltered and did not win the figure skating gold medal... However, her butt--her fit and toned and perfectly round and absolutely phenomenal skater's butt, which seems to just gush forth out of her skimpy ballerina outfit; her glorious backside, to which I would award every precious medal known to man if I had a say in the matter--has me in a trance. How anybody can sleep while Irina's butt is still eligible for a medal is beyond me...


Any female Olympian whose butt is so powerful that it emits fireworks is the girl for me!!


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"Becky, wake up, Irina is about to begin!!"
"Mmmmmuuuuhhhh, mmhuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh. Olives... Baklava... Hummus... hmmhuuuuuuh..."
"Nevermind."